Now I feel even worse LOL...
I really try not to take things for granted. I can remember even a few months ago pinching myself to make sure i was awake. I liked my job, had a wonderful husband to come home to, a beautiful home, two wonderful dogs who followed me from room to room just to be near me (that can't be faked). I would take time everyday to remind myself to be grateful and remember that it could all change in the blink of an eye. I told myself to cherish the time because many people never even got to be that happy for a moment, much less live this way. It didn't change in a blink of an eye, it took awhile.
I started this blog because I thought that hashing it all out and getting my thoughts down would really help. I don't know if it has or hasn't, but I do enjoy purging everyday.
Mike said something last night that slightly bothered me at the time, but it has become much more important in my mind since then. We were talking about his anti-depressant refill not coming in the mail like it should, and that being the root of his current discontent. He said that before he started taking them he remember leaving everyday for work being angry at me and it taking hours to calm down. Constantly angry, usually at me. A couple of things bother me about this:
- Most importantly, I didn't know. We get up around the same time and leave around the same time and I really treasure our morning time together. I knew when he was in a bad mood or when he didn't sleep well, but not that he was really pissed at me. I don't see how he didn't see that as a huge problem with our marriage. I should've seen and he should have told me. Two very bad signs.
- The things he was pissed about were really not justified. He'd be mad that the dogs were difficult and he has always resented their existence in our lives. He constantly blames me because I wanted them. And other similar things. Anything that was bothering him and could be linked to me was/is automatically my fault and anger begins.
I just have this feeling of impending doom hanging over me. He's gone now, he went to Columbus (about 2 1/2 hours away) to buy a roof rack off a friend. Nevermind that I'm positive he told me the other day that he was buying the roof rack from a different friend. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions - their are those trust issues again, it's a constant battle. Maybe one gave it to the other - but that seems strange because the Jason lives much closer. Or maybe he's getting something else from Columbus and I misunderstood. Who knows...
When we were talking about the dogs yesterday, I told him again that I am tired of being resented for wanting them. We've had Monkey for 6 years and Danger for 1 year. I tried to parallel him getting over the dog thing to me getting over mistrust. He said it's different because he has to see Danger everyday, and I said it's not becuase he sees his woman friends (one in particular who is leaving, but there will always be another) at work everyday. He then asked, rather animatedly, if he had ever brought anything into my life that affects me on a constant basis the way that the dogs affect him. I had to admit that I didn't. I did ask if he thought that this made him a better person than me. He didn't really answer. He also expressed resentment that I expect him to spend free time with me. Oh my God!!! That really hurt!!! How awful for him to insinuate that spending time together is a chore. Is it really? That's another major problem.
I've always known that anything that takes him away from what he really wants to do (playing video games, doing car stuff, playing on the computer, etc.) is treated as a chore and done as quickly as possible. Cleaning is the perfect example. He does as little as possible so that he can say it's done, even if it's not done right. "Good enough for government work" is the exact phrase he uses. I didn't realize that being with me has been relagated to this kind of standing in his mind. Maybe I should just do my own thing for awhile and not offer to do anything with him. My heart would break if after a week or two, he didn't seem to notice or have a problem. Maybe that's why I just expect it and let it happen. Maybe I'm really scared that if I didn't, we wouldn't do things together.
Have I become a chore? Does my existence in his life cause more bad emotions than good? He says that he loves me and we're okay and not going to fall apart. However, maybe it's just his fear of change that keeps him with me. I know that's not why I'm here, but sometimes (often, if I'm going to be honest) I'm not so sure for him. I've told him this before and he says that I'm way off, etc., but I still wonder.
I used to love my life and everything about it. It was just a few months ago. It's amazing how everything can go to hell so quickly. I only hope that everything can get back to how it was just as quickly.
Should I be rethinking the baby thing? If he resents me for the time I ask for from him, what will he think of a child. I've expressed as much to him, citing the dogs as an example of his time being compromised instead of me, and he says it's different because he wants a kid. He said that he wanted Danger, too... Oh, I don't know, but I'm tired of feeling like shit.