Life has gotten so crazy lately.  I look back to just a few months ago when I was bored and want to slap myself and say "enjoy this! I won't last long!".  Hindsight is always 20/20 and there will likely be many points in my future when I look back as this moment and say the same thing.  Hopefully none of them will be soon.

The good news is that everyone in our family is either healthy or being care for with the hopes of becoming healthy again soon.  The bad news is that it's been a rough few weeks getting there.  The worse news is that I think there's a better than average chance that these few weeks will repeat themselves.  And the worst is that I think that repeat itself will repeat repeatedly.

The hubs and I are getting to that sandwich phase of life where we are caring not just for our children, but also our parents.  Well, actually, his parents.  And they are acting more and more like children.  But like children who don't realize they are children and still want, expect, and deserve to be treated like adults.  It's a hard line to walk.  I know we are not the first people to walk this line, nor are we the last and I find comfort in that abstract sense of camaraderie.  However that abstract warmth doesn't keep me from constantly feeling like I'm stumbling.

Both of my in-laws are sick, but in different ways, needing different care in different environments.  It's just crazy how much things have changed and how quickly it has happened.

My FIL got sick after a 'mini-chemo' session, as we call them.  He's in remission from slow growing non-Hodgkins lymphoma.  He has to go back for mini-treatments every couple of months.  From this most recent one, he got mouth ulcers.  Common after chemo, I'm told now.  What's not as common is that his immune system completely tanked and the ulcers got so bad that he couldn't eat, drink, sleep, or do pretty much anything but lay in bed in pain for weeks.  He sees an LPN, whom I believe has done significantly more harm than good for both MIL and FIL over the last decade or so - but that's a different post.  She diagnosed him with an infection and put him on anti-biotics, no surprise there.  A couple weeks later she diagnosed him with shingles in the mouth, said he'd be better soon.  He wasn't.  By week 3, he was passing out from dehydration and not eating.  We found out later that by this point he had completely stopped taking any of his meds because it was too painful to swallow.  Both FIL and MIL insisted that he was fine.  Getting better by the day.  MIL was yelling at him to eat and drink, but making almost no effort to actually help him do either.  She was, in fact, annoyed that it had taken him weeks to notice the bags under her eyes from lack of sleep while worrying over him.

We got our first wake up call when I happened to call them one morning.  FIL answered and told me he was feeing much better.  Then MIL walked into the room, not knowing that he was on the phone, and started asking why there was blood dripping down from his forehead.  When she realized he was on the phone, they hung up quickly.  They called us back a few minutes later and the truth finally started to come out.  He had passed out at some point over night when he'd gotten out of bed to get some water and sit and read the paper.  Gone down hard and hit his head on the counter, hence the blood.  He had then gone back to bed, slept awhile, and was awake again when I called.  All with the blood still on his head.

We headed to their house immediately.  After an hour of arguing, we finally convinced FIL to go to the ER.  We called the paramedic squad to come get him b/c we were all concerned he might pass out again.  We found out that the overnight incident had not been the first time, though the number changed often depending on who was asking him.  I'm still not sure if he was lying intentionally or honestly didn't know he was giving different answers.  They started him on fluids and ran blood work.  He was severely dehydrated.  Dangerously so.  Also neutropenic.  They kept him for 3 days and then sent him home to recuperate.  They listened to his (wrong) diagnosis of shingles and didn't investigate that further.  His oncologist did visit him, but made no mention of the mouth ulcers, just the neutropenia.  Everyone told him he was safer at home because hospitals have so many germs.  They sent him home with masks and instructions to stay away from anyone sick.   His discharge papers said to follow up with his doctor if his fever got above 100.4 degrees.  MIL didn't feel the need to wear her mask when around him because she wasn't feeling ill.  Luckily, he didn't get sick.

The hubs and I thought to do more to help them through this, we vowed to go down and look in on them 3-4 times a week.  Take out the trash, go to the grocery, clean the toilets, etc.  They have a housekeeper who comes 2 times a month and is willing to come a great deal more, but they won't ask because they don't believe they need the extra help.  This is where it gets touchy, because MIL isn't capable of doing basic life task, such as running to the grocery or preparing meals.  She refuses to even eat, and by extension allow him to eat, microwavable meals.  Every meal is carry out from a local restaurant.  The majority of the time she uses restaurants that provide 'curb side carryout' where they bring the food out to your car.  We found out that her diet during this time was consisting of half of a salad every night from one restaurant and a quarter of an omelet every morning from another.  So she would go out every other day for carryout from one or both restaurants.  We made sure that at least she was getting those and I bought other things and left them for her, even though I knew she wouldn't eat them.

FIL's diet was harder to pinpoint.  He couldn't handle anything without intense pain.  He said that yogurt and pudding and gatorade were about all he could do.  We tried to get him to drink Ensure with a straw, but even that was too painful.  MIL said to get him his favorite soup, so I did, but she would have had to open the cans and pour it into a bowl, etc.  She didn't.  Within 2 weeks, he was passing out again.

I put my foot down after the hubs came home on a Sunday saying that FIL was getting worse.  I'd seen him holding onto things to walk and stupidly thought that he was just weak from having been in bed so long.  I called and told MIL to get an appt as soon as the LPN office opened up in the morning and I would be there to help them get there and talk to the nurse.  I called back Monday morning a bit after 9am to make sure that MIL was awake and had called promptly.  MIL told me that FIL has blacked out during the night, she had heard him fall, she was able to make him get up and get back to bed but it took two hours.  When I launched into a frantic chorus of "why didn't you call an ambulance???", she told me that she knew better than I what her husband needed and that she hadn't had any sleep or any coffee and hung up on me.  I was appalled to say the least.

I called hubs at work and I don't remember ever being so angry in my life.  I was screaming into the phone, "What is wrong with her?  Is she really going to just let him lay there and die?  What is wrong with her?"  I was so loud and angry that his coworkers literally heard the entire thing and needed no explanation for him leaving work immediately.

He picked me up and down to their house we went again.  By the time we got there, MIL had gotten some coffee and had called their LNP's office, who recommended a call to the life squad and another trip to the ER.  He was more than willing this time, no persuasion necessary.  As the life squad was taking him away, MIL asked me to fix her computer so that she could play her favorite pastime game, it hadn't been working for awhile.  This time he was hospitalized for 11 days.

He was stil neutropenic.  Worse actually.  Dehydrated again.  Also worse than before.  Erratic blood pressure.  His mouth was a mess, just looking at him hurt and I can't imagine what he must have been feeling.  The oncologist came back but didn't seem to think the mouth was related to cancer or chemo.  We now know that it was.  They called in and infectious disease doctor to evaluate his mouth, who ran a slew of blood work and finally said he thought it was probably herpes simplex.  It wasn't.  They gave him IV fluids, but never did anything to help him eat, just told him to order off the menu.  He didn't.  They told him that they wouldn't release him until they found out what was causing his three main problems - mouth, low wbc, and blood pressure dropping.  Of course, though, they did.

By the second day he was there, I found out who the discharge planner was (and what a discharge planner was for that matter) and made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that he was not to be sent home for continuing care.  An at-home nurse was not an option.  I told her blatantly, that the level of care that he was receiving at home was greatly exaggerated and the fact that he was back in the hospital with in worse condition than when he left supported this.  I believe that she is the only person at that hospital that did him any justice while he was there.  In the ER, there were people in gurneys in the hallway with the flu and FIL had to wait 6 hours for a room to open up for him to be admitted.  They were severely over crowded and under staffed and I will do all that I can to see that neither of them go to that hospital again.

That catches me up to about a month ago, and I'm bushed.  I'll finish this tomorrow.

Well, shit hit the fan a few days ago and meal planning is about the only goal I've been able to stick to.  Going to Zumba tonight and trying really hard to break the nasty stress eating cycle.  I'm conscious of it, but still have difficulty stopping it.  We had a snow day yesterday and I could barely get my coat zipped.  I'm NOT buying another coat - well, not due to size anyway.  I will do what it takes to lose some weight!

Why did I list Saturday as a workout day?  Ugh!  Finished off a bag of Smartfood last night.  Which, for the record, is not really that smart.

Wendy's - chx caesar wrap, value fries, value coke vs. last week - baconator combo, large coke.  Worked out.  Only one serving at dinner.  Not having dessert.  Went for a walk with family.  Focusing on positives.

No workout last night.  Ate 6 cookies and restarted logging calories instead.  They were probably 6 of the best cookies I've ever had  and I didn't feel guilty about eating them - b/c at that point I'd stilled planned to workout.  But this morning I grunted when I bent over to pick up a sock and all weekend I was winded going up and down a single flight of stairs.  So, my fat ass is headed downstairs now to workout.  Today is Friday, which is technically rest, but I'm making up for Thursday, so that excuse is blown.

Jan 1.  Resolution time.  I did well with the personal goals I set last year.  Using better grammar, and keeping my closet, kitchen and desk clean were all mostly successes.  My closet is a battle, mostly because I'm too short to reach the upper shelves and there's just too much clothing in too small a space, but it was better than 2013 was, so I'm calling it a victory.

Fitness and food goals?  Well not so much.  Big shock.  I did great for a few months, but then just didn't.  Then did, then didn't.  Wow!  I'm such an unique individual, there are definitely not 20 million other blogs with resolutionists typing the exact same thing.  ;)  If only I'd have resolved to be more more sarcastic!  I'd have that one in the bag.

So I've updated my goals.  Simpler, more realistic.  The next few months are going to be busy.  Helping out my in-laws a couple days a week and getting the house ready to put on the market.  I'll just keep plugging away and hopefully get it all done in plenty of time.  My Fitbit is back on charge and will be back on my wrist within the hour.  I think I've gotten through as much of my hangover as I'm going to till morning, so I'm going to workout tonight.

Long time, no blog...

Some things are going well, others not so much.  I'm still on plan with the exercise, though I finally had to admit that Pilates was just not going to happen.  I started a new running plan yesterday, as the other was heading towards a fictitious race date and needed to be revised.  I added to it three different weight routines that I have to do downstairs as soon as I finish the run.  Hopefully that will help me remember to do them.  I'm very sore from yesterday's.

Food, not so much.  I've still been eating at least one fruit a day and salad most days, but my resistance to snacking has gone to shit.  New day, new start though, I will try to be better.  I've not bee logging calories the last few days for obvious reasons.  Back to business today!

I am completely off my antidepressants.  Mixed feelings about it.  I can tell a difference, I'm sure others can too.  Then comes the big questions, which I can't answer for a few months yet:  Do I spend considerable time, effort, and constant vigilance trying to be the person I want to be and fight off the parts of myself I don't like?  Or do I just turn back to the once-a-day pill that will do it for me?  If it truly is a chemical imbalance that causes me to be a more negative version of myself, then am I fighting a battle I can't win trying to be nicer?  Ugghh!!  I don't want to be a person who jumps to a pill whenever I have the tiniest of ailments, but I don't want to be too stubborn to admit I can't do it on my own either.  Time, need more time, it will hopefully help me resolve the best, if not right, answer.

I have a small spot on my breast that looks and feels and acts like a clogged pore, BUT it's been clogged for over 2 months and no amount of scrubbing, clearasil, or peroxide has helped.  I've even used a pin to pop it open a couple times trying to get to the 'clog' so that it can dissolve.  So today is the big doctor's appt.  I've read some on IBC and there is absolutely nothing that indicates that this is related.  But all the stuff I've read is about IBC that's pretty much taken over the breast, like covering at least half.  This is a tiny dot, only slightly larger than a pin head.  All of the half breast IBC covered pictures I saw had to start somewhere, right?  They didn't go from normal breast to that overnight.  So off to the doctor I go.  Best case scenario (from my reading anyway) she sends me off with an antibiotic, dare I dream for a cream and not a pill?, and says it's fine.  Worst case she does the same, but tacks on comments about not liking the way it looks and tells me to come back in a couple weeks if it doesn't go away.  I guess referring me to a dermatologist would be some middle ground, though leaning toward the worst case side.  I'm focusing on best case and I'll deal with the rest if and when it comes.

We booked a dream cruise vacation for 6 weeks from now (39 days, but who's counting?) and I don't want to screw with that.  I'm sure a double mastectomy and chemo can wait 48 days till we get back, right?  Seriously though, I'm surprised by how well I'm handling it though, with the lack of chemical stabilizers and all.  I did have an anxiety attack right after I finally made the appt.  It was while I was on the treadmill and I forced my eyes back down to the book I was reading.  I was able to calm my breathing and not divert my thoughts, so that's progress.

Oh yeah, I'm still working on the other goals.  My grammar is better in all mediums, my closet it clean, and my kitchen is clean.  All of those have been sliding though, so maybe it's time to up the vigilance before it continues to slide into 'not so much' realm.

Had a few more over eating days.  Making SuperBowl appetizers wasn't a good idea yesterday.  I ate as I was going and then I ate a bunch of what I'd made.  It was all very tasty though.

Cardio workouts are still going well.  Haven't been doing any Pilates.  Not so much forgetting as just putting it off intentionally.  Not this week though.

Monday morning - better eating, cardio, don't slack on Pilates, get my sweaters folded and the kitchen cleaned up!

Also to do today:  Put down the cleaner stuff and then shampoo the carpet, deal with expired credit card, finish the cookie form, laundry, fill out my checklist.

Feeling Better

Actually that's quite an understatement.  The other day I just felt like another switch was flipped and I was okay again.  Ironically, I had almost caved and gone back to my usual dose of meds.  Guess I needed to get over that hump.  I only alienated one person and that was it's own therapy, so no real down side there.

Still on track with the resolution goals.  My calories were up yesterday and today, but that will happen sometimes.  Especially when I'm tired.  I opted to get a half sandwich and salad for lunch yesterday instead of the monster chicken sandwich and chips that I would typically have ordered, so I'm calling it a win, even if the daily overall wasn't as good.  Tomorrow will be better.

I've got plans in the morning so I  have to get up pretty early to do my run.  Not liking that, but it's only a 3 miler so no biggie.  I've shaved 12 minutes off my 4 mile time since New Years.  That's pretty freaking awesome, if I do say so myself.

Not much of an update, nothing earth shattering going on.  Glad to be feeling better.  Since the weather has been so miserable, I booked us all a long weekend getaway to a beach in a couple weeks.  I've decided to wait to do the next/final stage of weaning till after that.

Think I'll hit the sack early and try to stay ahead of this sore throat I'm fighting tonight.

Hmmm... How's it going? Not so well...

I don't like this version of myself much.  I can tell a pretty massive difference from dropping down a dosage on my anti-depressants.  On the inside, I am pretty much a worst case scenario of myself.  Nothing seems worth smiling for, with the possible exception of being mean to other people.  I feel petty and vindictive and I want to act on those feelings.  I find myself looking for reasons to not trust my husband, even though he gives me none. I just want to be left alone all the time, a simple request for some milk from one of the kids has me raging.

Luckily, all this is on the inside.  On the outside, I'm not exactly 'chipper', but I'm not acting on the angry impulses.  For the most part.  I did post a pretty snippy comment on my SIL's Facebook post.  I was rude and wrong, and she didn't respond but she did block me from seeing anything on her page.  And all I can do is laugh, because I really think it's funny that I pissed her off and that's she such a pathetic pampered princess.  I just keep thinking of her and her family gossiping about what a bitch I am and it doesn't bother me at all.  In fact, it pleases me.

This is the girl I remember from before the medication.  This the girl I don't like.

I'm committed to keep going though.  I want to see this through.  Maybe when I'm totally off it will be different.  Maybe it's just this particular dosage that is bad for me.  Or maybe I won't have any impulse control and I'll just be a raging bitch that alienates everyone around me just for fun.  Better start saving for my kids' therapy.

In the meantime, I am sticking with my self care plan, even though I really, really, really want to tear it up and burn it.

Where is that list of things my psychologist told me to recite when this time came?

This will pass.
I have family and friends who love me. (haha!  but for how long?  haha!)
blah, blah, mother fucking blah!  Roflmao!

3 Weeks!

Still doing well.  Self Care plan is in place and I'm checking things off each day like a good little therapy patient.

Ran 6 miles today.  A little faster than the 5 miles last week.  Well, it took longer, but my average speed was higher.

Calories are pretty darn close to target.  Close enough that I'm happy.  All my other goals are in line, except for the damn Pilates!!  Need to remember to do that.

Noticing something interesting with my calorie logs, though.  My fat intake is astronomical.   And it's mostly saturated too.  Even though my overall calories are within range, my fat is often 2-3x what it 'should' be.  Definitely something to work on.  I still maintain that scones made at home - with butter and cream - are better in the long run than processed ones bought at the store - with trans fat this and hfcs that.  Pick your evil I guess.

Off to do Pilates...  Cause I've only logged 20k steps today, I think I need to get off my butt and get some more exercise.  ;)

Whoot! Whoot!

Still on track.  We are on day 18 now.  Though my motivation has shifted from NYR's to weaning off meds, the end game is still the same.  Did everything yesterday except Pilates, which I will do later today or tomorrow.  My weight is down, not onederland quiet yet, but very close.  I promised myself I'd never leave it again, but I did and I'm doing something about it - which is the second best possible scenario.

Off to Zumba shortly.  I'm up and at 'em so there should be no reason to have to keep it mid intensity.  My heel is hugely improved with the consistent stretching and my elbow is healing slowly but surely.  Going to stop at 2 cups of coffee and have a smoothie for breakfast.  Last week I had cereal and I think I crashed because of it.  

Went out to dinner last night.  Had a salad at home, then ordered a grilled chicken wrap and didn't eat the wrap.  I did eat most of my chips, but they were delicious and worth it.  I had to remind myself that my goal is to stick to my checklist and make healthier choices, not to never eat chips again.  That's a plan to fail.  So I skipped the tortilla and had the chips.  Not the healthiest choice, but a healthier one.  I'm content with that.  I'm content with that being my choice always, not just another step in a grand plan to be a health nut.  

Tired = Hungry

I'm such a wimp. Seriously. I stayed up late reading a book the night before last. Not all night. Just late. Like 2am. In bed. Resting. Just not asleep. Took a while to fall asleep, but I slept in the morning till the last possible minute I could and totaled a good 5+ hours of sleep.  There have been many times during my life when 5 consecutive hours seems like a dream come true. But oh no, my pampered suburban ass just could not function. I'm a wimp. It's funny, but also kinda sad. 

Anyway, I over ate, which is common when I'm tired.  Blurred the line between hungry and seeking comfort. Definitely something to work on. Last night ended on a sour note and I didn't get a full night's sleep again but I feel much better today already.  I had logged over 20k steps (including a five mile run) on Tuesday and only 12k yesterday (including and hour of Zumba, but I was only doing it at mid impact), so that probably factors in as well.  

Other than that though, I was on target. Only had one piece of of fruit, but I had it while I was prepping dinner in the hopes that I wouldn't over earpt at dinner. And it worked. It wasn't until much later that I had a second helping, several handfuls of monster trail mix, and a bag of popcorn lol.  I went to Zumba even though I really really wanted to bail. 

Desk clean, kitchen clean, etc. Today is the first day of my lower dosage.  Step two, here we go. 

Plan in Place

Good day.  I forgot a salad at dinner, but other than that I'm on track!  I even did my pilates tonight!  The post it note on the middle of the computer screen seems to be effective.  And I did the full 5 miles this morning, without even considering stopping - well not from fatigue anyway, I was a little bored after I finished my book.  Next Tuesday is 6 miles.  Eek!

Talked to my psychologist and my GP today about weaning off my anti depressants.  Got the go ahead and instructions from both.  I'll pick up my new script tomorrow and get started.  Here is my 'Self Care Plan Chart'.  It seems ridiculous to have this sort of checklist now, but in a couple weeks it may not.  Either way, my psychologist suggested that I make it in this style, since I seemed to be so motivated by that sort of thing.  And well, I like rainbows...

Big Day

Yesterday was good.  Had potatoes loaded with cheese and bacon for dinner, but they fit right into my calorie allowance, so go me!  Remembered my Pilates - I put a post-it note right in the middle of my monitor lol.

Good on all points.  

Today is the day I talk to my doctor about weening off my anti-depressants.  It's been 13 years.  I'm not the same person I was then.  I think/hope I can handle my depression without chemical intervention.  I've been seeing a psychologist that I like and think is a good fit.  Kids are in the happy in-between age of post-toddler, in school, and not yet hormonal.  So it's time.  Wish me luck.

PS.  I'm terrified of who I might be without the meds.

Rough Weekend

Went to a party where there were snacks and I ate too many.  I started out logging everything, but that got left behind quickly.  Then I wasn't going to eat anything else (we left the party at 5 and I was full), but caved to cheap pizza and cheetos around 9 while we were out having fun.  Never did finish logging the day's calories.

Went to Smashburger yesterday, got the grilled chicken instead of the burger, but still had smash fries.  Would have been fine, but they seemed to double the portion and I, of course, at them all.  :(  I ate a large salad with minimal dressing and just a few bites of dinner.  I don't want the kids to see me not eating dinner at all, they don't have judgment enough to see the whole picture, just 'mommy wants to lose weight so she's not eating'.  I explain my methods, but actions speak louder and all that.  Granted, them seeing me binge on pizza doesn't set any good example either, but somehow that's a harder habit to break.  Working on it though.

Only one fruit Sun and none on Sat.  Salad on Sunday only.

Was still a few hundred calories over, so I did some extra housework to try to get more activity in, rather than chilling on the couch.  So I guess it's a win and a fail simultaneously.

Fitness is still on track cardio-wise, as are the personal goals.  I need to remember to do the Pilaties.

Planning on a smoothie for breakfast to get the day off on the right foot.