It started on Jan, 1, 2004 like any other resolution. I was at a disgusting 250 pounds and finally ready to do something about it. I got rid of all of our pasta and we started on Atkins. This was a minute or so before it became the major fad of 2004. I read the book and bought my keto-stix. Unlike most of the people that I know who tried low-carb, I followed it to the letter. No caffeine, no nitrates even.
We bought a recumbant bike for the basement and started working out everyday. I remember how I felt ready to die after about 15 minutes on that thing - now I just get bored after 15 minutes lol. The first time I got on it, I was so angry with the manufacturer for putting the heart rate monitor in such an unreachable place. Later I realized that a normal person could reach them with no problem, it had been my fat rolls keeping me from them - pathetic.
After about 9 months, we decided to go off Atkins. I had lost 40 pounds and he had lost 20 so we had gotten the jump start we needed. The change over was easier than I though, but still very difficult. Fruits and vegetables had never really been a part of our diets (even pre-atkins) and as we all know, they are a staple of a healthy person's diet. I began to spend a lot of time in the produce section of the grocery. Our pallettes have grown considerably. I learned was products were worth buying the low-cal, low-fat versions and which weren't. I learned how much a serving really was (my old cereal bowl was about 8 servings!!!) I learned the benefits of kid sized portions (especially in fast food situations). I learned how to add flavor with veggies, marinades, herbs and spices instead of heavy sauces and condiments. I spent hours with my head buried in cookbooks planning a weeks worth of meals and computing the caloric content of each. I even dropped the cash on food database software that allowed me to keep tabs on how many calories I was taking in and expending. Calorie King software
I learned the most important rule in dieting: portion control
We joined a local YMCA - my friends thought is was hilarious that I was voluntarily giving money to a religious organization. We did aerobics 4 nights a weeks and worked out a total of 5-6 days each week, for about an hour, including both aerobic and nautilus. I was even supplementing further with crunches and hand weights at home.
After 6 months we had double our weight loss for a grand total of 120 pounds between us. We felt great!!!!
Then we went on a cruise. Somehow cruises seem to be pivotal in my weight loss. A 2 week cruise to Hawaii was the impedus for going off Atkins (it's impossible to stay on that type of diet - or any type for that matter - on a cruise). Over the course of a week I gained 10 pounds even though I worked out almost everyday. That's really where I felt the will power start to give way. I just kept eating whether I was hungry or not. To be completely honest, I kept eating even when I was full. It was vacation, the perfect time to over endulge. And it was free, so it wasn't like I had to prepare it or pay for it. I rationalized that if I could gain it in a week, I could lose it in a week and kept on stuffing my face.
So here I am, over a month back for vacation and still up ten pounds. I still work out, but not nearly as often. I find myself looking for any excuse not too. We eat out 3-4 nights a week (Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sun, usually). I find myself craving "comfort food" for lunch - which can be traced directly to stress at work I'm sure. I've taken psych 101 and i know that I'm trying to make myself feel better with food because I feel so powerless in the classroom. I also know that eating the "comfort food" only makes me feel worse - even as I'm ordering and eating it. When we go out, we often order separate appetizers and salad and entree ( and don't forget the bread). Sometimes, I'm still full from lunch when we go out anyway. I get so stuffed that I throw up just to literally relieve the pressure. Then I feel guilty about that and get hungry (but I know it's all in my head). It's a vicious cycle, and it's what had me at 250 pounds to begin with.
I've found myself reverting to the type of behavior I had then. Getting second and even third helpings whenever possible (buffets are the worst.) Hiding how much I'm eating from other people who probably don't give a damn anyway. Constantly embarrassed that my plate is fuller than everyone else (except that really fat woman). Though I haven't yet blatantly lied to my husband like I did before, I haven't always been forthcoming with information. He's the same way towards me about smoking though lol. It scares me A LOT!!! I can't go back to being that person. It was horrible every moment of everyday. I felt like I was unlikeable and undeserving because I was fat.
I know that 10 pounds is not the end of the world, but my clothes are already tight again and I feel like shit. I discussed it with my husband last night and we agreed to be less co-dependent about the bad eating and more co-dependent about the good eating and working out. I worked out yesterday on my way home and again this morning. We are going out with friends tonight to The Cheesecake Factory. I plan to drink water and get something relatively healthy. It will be easier because we will be with people we don't know that well and therefore we would be embarrassed to order separtate appetizers (or apps at all if they don't LOL). I always plan that way and it never works out though. I'm going to try to make that change today though.
I have a problem with food. I know this. Unfortuneatly, unlike an alcoholic or drug addict, I cannot cut food out of my life. I must face my problem each and everyday. I must learn to control myself and my cravings. It is more difficult than I can say with words, but it can be done. I'm down a total of 70 pounds and my body is healthier than it's ever been. I had my cholesterol checked and though it's a little high for my age, the "good" part was the highest my doc had ever seen. Occasionally, I'll pick up 2 forty pound bags of dirt from the garage and carry them around to remind myself of how I used to be. I don't know how I got through each day at all LOL!
I think that the new-ness of losing and then the new-ness of a "real diet" has worn off and I am just at a plateau. I just need to kick my own ass to get over it. I've got another 45 or so pounds to go.
I'm hoping that when I get pregnant that will help provide some will-power because I want to give my child every the best start to life possible. I'll need to keep a healthy body for him/her as well as myself. It will also be a challenge to fight cravings and not let pregnancy be an excuse for comfort food all the time.
Take each day as it comes and try to do as well as I can. Even in my head I'm quoting Yoda, though, "do or do not, there is no try." LOL Maybe I should start going to the Y in the mornings...