Does every parent feel like this at the end of the day? Does this ever get easier? I seriously didn't think it was possible for me to feel like I'd screwed up so badly already.

Another day of not listening. I guess it's time for a swat on the butt or time out. As he was bouncing on me and screaming and completely ignoring what I said tonight, I had a flash forward to a 5-year-old doing the same thing. At what point does it stop being cute? At what point do I stop him from having fun just because? I was trying to get him to touch his head and he was completely ignoring me. Do I stop him from having fun so that he can touch his head? How important is touching his head? Or is it the point that I asked him to, and so he should. I did make him touch his head, and then we sang head, shoulders, knees and toes. And then I asked him where my head is, and made him put his hands on my head.

Is it possible that I just keep making the same mistake over and over? Treating him like he's younger than he is. He understands, he just chooses to ignore. I was calling his name today and he was not looking up. So when he did, I made a big deal about it and he started to do it more often. Grrrr!!!! I knew I was going to make mistakes, but God it just seems too soon!

Tomorrow is another eval. This one for speech therapy. I've been looking forward to it, but now it just seems like one more person to judge my kid and by extension me. Obviously, he's not talking. He says Hi and bye-bye, but not always in context and not always when I tell him to. He's in his crib right now practicing bye-bye and car noises. Then EI comes on Thursday. I was really looking forward to their help, but I don't feel like I'm getting any. I feel like she comes and plays for a little while, mentally evaluates him, doesn't tell us much and leaves.

Rachel has her 4-month appt tomorrow. More shots. Now the ladies on the board have got me scared to death about them. I'm so sick of being scared of one thing or another. This has got to get easier, right?

I just really wish I could rewind and spend more time around young kids so I knew what to expect and how to react. I feel like I'm flying blind every moment of the day. Does every parent feel this way? I thought this would be more fun. God that sounds childish and selfish, but it's true. I knew it would be work, I'm not stranger to work, but I thought it would be more fun. This worry is overwhelming. I hope Rachel develops more on the traditional timeline.

Oh well. The day really wasn't that bad. There were just a few moments of bad really. It occurred to me (again, I keep making the same mistakes) that maybe he doesn't go get something when I tell him to because I've never really made him do it. So today I told him to go get something (dump truck maybe) and then held his hand and walked to it so he could get it. Then later when I told him to get his school bus out of the laundry room, he did. I was pointing to it, but he went and got it. He wasn't happy about it :oP, cause I was shutting the laundry room door and he wanted to be in there (actually, I think he wanted to go bye-bye and the laundry room leads to the garage), but he did it.

Lots of tantrums today too. His mouth was definitely hurting him, he kept slapping his cheeks and didn't nap for long, drooling, the usual. He was better after I gave him some ibuprofen.

Rachel was great this afternoon and evening. She took a couple of naps and then went to bed at 7. She's rolling both ways like a champ. I haven't seen her do a full 360 yet though. Spencer never did that roll across the room thing. I wonder if she will.

Mike was in good spirits today. He had a good time last night at the game launch, even though he didnt' get much sleep. And he had dinner tonight with a friend. Now he's playing his new game. We watched the StarWars Family Guy together cause he knew I was upset and thought some time together would help. It did.

Okay, enough rambling for one night. I'm going to read and try to escape into someone else's ficticious problems.