Uggh, talked to dh last night. It didn't go well. He agreed to get some help, but in that, "if it will get you off my back" tone. I went to bed crying. He didn't care. He doesn't care about much these days except for things that can add to his own distress. He said he feels so much pressure at work because his project is the only one making money. He's not the boss of the office, it's not his problem. I just want to shake him by the shoulders and say, "get over yourself!!!". Anyway, it seems that I'm the bitch again for suggesting he do something else. First I want him to quit drinking, then I want him to quit smoking, now I want him to be happy (or at least not constanly wallowing in self-pity). Good God, what's next, I'll want him to take a vacation??? The nagging just never ends!!!

He was happy this morning though. He thanked me for letting him sleep in. I said, I didn't really have a choice, you didn't wake up, and his face just sank. I apologized and told him that I'd been up at night with RaRa (which I was at 3am), and I was cranky. He seemed to be okay then. I'm sure he's not, but whatever. I'm torn, becuase we had a fucking deal that each of us would get to sleep in one weekend day and he NEVER honors it unless I make him. I've tried to alter it numerous times to be more advantageous to him, but still I have to force him. The only "deal" he'll honor is the one were I give in and just get up with the kids both days and he sleeps in both days. I'm sorry, I don't want to start the day off with a fight either, I really don't, but I don't see why poor fucking Mikey should always get his way because I don't want him to pout all day. Which is pretty much what it comes down to. He's acting like Spencer. A temper tantruming 2 year old. Sometimes I honestly expect him to buckle his legs and fall to the ground screaming. I want a partner, not another kid to take care of. He needs help, he's in so deep, I really don't think he can pull himself out at this point. There's certainly not shit I can do to help him. I just get told that I keep bugging him, and treated like I do nothing but bother him. Being in Memphis was the first time I've been away from him that I haven't really missed him or counted the hours till I got to see him again. That really bothers me. Oh well, I can't make him do anything to help himself. Healthy people don't comment daily that they feel like they are dying inside.

Anyway, on to happier thoughts. Spencer is awesome as usual. He's stopped saying Hi to be, but he keeps saying Heyo into his little phone. He loves his new kitchen. He loves his new cars. He's doing so well. I told him something yesterday that I didn't expect him to respond to at all, and he did exactly what I asked. I don't remember what, but it was cool at the time.

RaRa was up at 3am. She was on her belly and had pushed herself into the corner of her crib. I heard thud, thud in the monitor and then waaaaaaaaa. Poor thing. I got her up and changed her diaper, but she started rooting on my shoulder so I made her a bottle and put her back to bed. It took me awhile to get back to sleep, and then her alarm when off at some point. I went in and she was on her side, but not in the center of the bed. I just turned the alarm off. It may be time to stop using it. Then Spencer woke up early. My clock hasn't been on since I got home from Memphis, so I don't know what time, but it was early. He was moaning and whatnot for a long time until he started actually talking at around 7. I think he dozed off, cause I dozed off and I've never dozed off while he's making noise before. But I was up for good at 7. Really could have used a couple more hours sleep, but I'm a mom and everyone else comes first.

Mike got to sleep in yesterday, and take a nap - which made him not tired at night so he was up late (while I fell asleep crying after our "talk"), so obviously he needed to get some extra sleep this morning. Did that sound bitchy? I'm sure he feels entitled because I sleep later than him during the week, and maybe he is. I don't even care anymore.