Feeling marginally better today.

Mike got up with both kids again so I could sleep in. It was very nice and very appreciated. Yesterday and today he actually told me to turn both monitors off and he just went to the living room after Rachel's early bottle, so I actually woke on my own. That is the first and second time that's happened since Spencer's birth. It was nice.

Spencer did great at speech therapy this morning. She got him saying all kinds of things. He won't say them for me, though. I guess it will come. I'm really starting to believe that he is just stubborn and will talk when he is damn good and ready. The occupational therapist called to see if I wanted to reschedule the appt. I said nope, but thanks. She mentioned that our first EI person had wanted to get a consult because of his mouth movements, they way he was holding it open in a half smile all the time, which was giving him difficulty speaking. That was a relief. I was prepared for her to say that it was about sensory issues, which although I'm sure he doesn't have, would have still been a blow. So it's good to know that it's not for that reason. And now, paranoia kicks in and I think: well, maybe it is for sensory issues, but the new EI person told her that I would not be receptive to hearing that so she made up another reason for me. Stop!!! Even if that's true - and believe it or not subconscious, not everyone is out to lie to and trick you - it doesn't matter. I told her we are doing speech therapy and it's helping a lot, so thanks, but no thanks.

I've come to realize that I really miss my husband. I really do. I miss my best friend and laughing and joking and just being together. When I was at therapy with Spencer, I was sitting there all alone and all I wanted to do was find him and hug him. Obviously that wasn't possible since he was home with Rachel. When I got home, it seemed the feeling had passed. Is this where marriages go south? Because even though we feel this way, we don't act on it? We put on a smile and do the best we can to pretend everything is okay even when everyone knows it's bullshit. I'm so tired of hurting and crying and feeling awful all the time. And I'm tired of forcing smiles, only to drop it in relief when whomever I'm smiling at turns away. I want to be genuinely interested in something, anything.

Anyway... Spencer's up from his nap, it was extraordinarily short. The in-laws are coming up though, so he can be cranky for them. Did I mention the terrible two's are upon us again. I thought they were before, but then they went away. Well they are back. We are upset at everything. Also I'm being a little bit more of a hard ass, telling something twice and then making him do it, saying no and holding my ground instead of giving in, etc. I don't want a holy terror on my hands a year from now because I was so excited that he was pointing and talking I gave him absolutely everything he used his finger or words to ask for. Now that he can tell me what he wants, it's time to learn that, unfortunately, you don't always get it.