So I have an example of something I say that Mike finds so awful and mean:

Last night (before I blogged even), Mike had given me some pictures from dinner on a thumb drive. There were maybe 20. They are all great shots, but there were a couple that I particularly wanted. I put them on my desktop, and they got a little jumbled and placed between some other files. So as I'm hunting them down to import into iPhoto I was saying off hand things like:

"Did you give me..., Oh wait here it is."
"You didn't give me, nevermind, duh."
"Wait, you did miss 415, man, these things are hard to see on my desktop."

The files were all there, obviously, I just couldn't find them momentarily. These statements were made with a smile as I was hunting over the course of maybe 10 seconds. Not loudly, or accusingly, just stated as I was organizing the files.

I asked, completely jokingly, if that was an example of something I say that is mean. I was floored when he said yes. Seriously??? Apparently, I automatically assumed that he was an idiot, and that was mean and hurtful. Seriously??? All the things I do for him, all the ways I try to check myself and cut him some slack, and this is what I do that so fucking horrible? I give up. I'm not even going to speak anymore. If I can't even say something as off hand as that without having to think through how it might affect poor fucking Mikey's deflated ego, then I don't want to bother talking at all. Seriously. I'm truly sorry that he takes everything so personally. That he's in such a bad place right now that even such a slight comment is a blow to his ego. But it's not just right now with the job thing, it's always something. He asked me the other night why it seems like everything is his fault (his words, not mine), and I said that if nothing was on me, I wouldn't still be in counseling, and when I know there's a problem and it's mine, I try to fix it. This is not mine though. I can't censure everything I say to make sure he doesn't take it the wrong way. He's going to hear what he wants to hear.

If I have any readers (which I doubt), I'd love some feedback right now. I'm trying to look at it from his perspective and see if those comments were seriously hurtful, but I just don't get it. (Now for a bitchy moment, do you think he's spending even a millisecond looking at it from my perspective to see if maybe he's taking things a little too personally? Yeah, I'll hold my breath on that one.)