Today was an emotional day. This morning Mike took Spencer to the Air Force Museum to see all the planes, becuase Spencer has been really interested in planes lately. They both had a good time, but I had a panic attack when the were coming home and was really worried that they weren't going to make it home. I was almost in tears. While they were gone, Rachel and I went shopping for a birthday present for our Mel's daughter. I kept thinking of gifts that I've gotten for M and N's kids who are dead now. Maybe that was behind the panic attack. The party was much harder than I had expected. I hadn't expected to think about M and N at all, but we used to always spend their kids birthday's together. So I kept thinking that they were missing. We had said that we would stay for a cookout after, but made excuses and left early. The subject came up very briefly with F when he was talking about traveling. He said that he hadn't as much because of the "issue". We are supposed to get together with them tomorrow for a cook out, so that will be nice. I'll apologize to Mel and come clean about why I made an excuse to leave early. I promised myself I would be a better friend, as a too late promise to N. I feel like being honest with M is the best thing to do. It couldn't have been easy for her either.