It's the exercise.  That's what drives my weight loss.  It's the key.  And it always has been.

When I'm exercising I feel good (love those endorphins).  When I feel good, I want to continue feeling good.  When I want to continue feeling good I'm better able to control both the quantity and quality that I eat.  When I control the quantity and quality of what I eat, I lose weight.

And I love exercising.  I really do.  I just want to go back to my 20 year old self and slap her.  If I had discovered that I love to workout back then, I wouldn't have wasted all of my 20s feeling like a cow and hating myself.  Oh well, at least I won't waste my 30s.  Well, I'll probably still hate myself but for entirely different reasons, but that's not the point today.

The moral of this rambling?  I MUST find time to workout.  Even when things are crazy, I have to find time.  Working out is no longer to be considered a luxury.  It is a necessity to my life just like getting sleep or taking my medicine.

Life is good.  The kids are fantastic.  Rachel is the most wonderful thing ever.  She melts my heart every freaking day.  She's taken to carrying her little purse around just like mommy the last few days.  And I've finally realized that her constantly babbling is just like a banner sign on her forehead.  She just says everything that is in her mind at the exact moment she thinks it.  I don't ever have to wonder what she's thinking about.  Last night she gave me a big hug and I hugged her back and rocked her in my arms for a few minutes.  I know that there will come a time (sooner than I can possibly believe) that I would give anything to be able to do that again.  So I do it as often as I can trying to keep her close and safe while I can.  Same with Spencer.  He's also doing great.  His vocab is coming along and his pronunciation too.  We've got 5 or six more speech therapy sessions and then he'll be done.  I think I'm going to throw a big party for him.  He started the new year of pre-school.  He's in a smaller classroom with about 5 other kids and a wonderful teacher.  I got a chance to talk to her about his speech when we came in late on Friday (after therapy).  She said she is happy to help him at school and remind him whenever necessary to use both lips to pronounce his words.  I'm thinking it will help.  He is fully potty trained now.  He still has the occasional accident, but for the most part he's fully in control.  Rachel asked tonight to use the potty so hopefully she will be next and not too far behind, but we'll see.  All things considered, he was pretty easy once we finally did it. Very few accidents, more just convincing him to go to the bathroom and him not telling us when he had to go.  That's nothing new though, he still has trouble even telling me when he's hungry.  Today we were at lunch and he didn't want to try what we were giving him.  I saw in his face the same determined hate and fury that I used to feel (and still do) when someone was going to make me do something I didn't want to do.  That anger right down to the soles of your feet that burns slow and steady until hate is the only thing you can truly feel.  I hope that I'm over projecting, because he is only three, but I swear that's what his face said.  It wasn't just the typical 'I don't want to', it was much deeper.  I worry too much though.  He's still obsessed with cars and anything transportation oriented in general, but is starting to be interested in dinosaurs and animals too.  Still has the sweetest smile and loudest laugh.  Loves to be tickled more than anything in the world.  Loves to snuggle, especially when he's sad, tired or upset.  He was obsessed with watching Toy Story everyday (which Rachel loves too), but now he's requesting Jungle Book.  He laughs hysterically when Mogly falls down on the panther's back as they are climbing the tree.  As I said, Rachel loves Toy Story and loves taking care of her dolls.  She loves to watch tv and would stay glued to the set all day if I would let her.  She also loves to play Candyland Castle (they both do).  She says "mommy, candy cassle?" and get so sad if I can't play.  But then she's off onto something else a second later.  She's such a happy child.  Always smiling.  I bought them a oversized keyboard and cool mouse set, then set up the computer in the playroom again.  Spencer is amazing at the mouse already.  I couldn't believe it.  He was so deliberate and careful, I was really shocked that he would be so good.  And he loved it.  I don't know why I was surprised.  So I'm going to find some more games for him.  I think he's going to just absorb it.  Rachel wanted to play too, but she isn't as coordinated yet, so she was mostly watching.  I'm glad I got that keyboard.  Oh well, I should probably wrap it up here, I've rambled long enough.  It's just that Mike was talking about something today that happened a few years ago.  Nothing earth-shattering, just me falling down on our driveway at a block party.  And after he described it I still only have vague memories of it, similar to the fleeting feeling of a dream when you first awake.  I hate that I don't remember things.  How much of this time, that I love so much, will I not remember?  Will I remember any of it?  That saying about not skipping the little things because one day I'll look back and realize they are the big things. Well I realize that now, but I'm scared that I won't remember them.  So that's why I'm rambling, so I can remember how amazing my kids are and how much I love them.  I don't want this time to ever end and the only way to make that happen is to remember it.  I absolutely hate knowing that I probably won't.  Why can I remember song lyrics to a song I haven't heard in 20 years, but not remember that time I raced in little cars with my grandpa when I was 13ish (or so I've been told).  I'd sooooo much rather remember my grandpa...  Anyway, I'm going to try to update this more often, simply so that I don't lose these years or have to relive them through other people's memories.