Saturday, November 14

The diet has stalled.  It really bothers me, but I am grateful that I've come as far as I have.  I felt this same stalling point so many times before, but 65+ pounds from where I am now.  So it could definitely be worse.  I'm still running.  Totally loving it.  When I started I thought it would just be an accomplishment, but I've found it to be so much more.  I truly enjoy it more than I've ever enjoyed any other exercise.  That actually IS saying something because I do actual enjoy exercising quite a bit.  My saving grace is the exercise.  When the mind and the food just war with each other, I've still got the exercise to even the odds and keep me, at least, maintaining.  I think that when I do get to my low point, be it here or my prefered 40 pounds from here, I will be able to maintain it.  Because I am maintaining here and I feel like I eat like crap all the time.  That actually brings me to another thing I need to mention.  I think I might have screwed up, but hopefully not to badly.  I've gotten into a bit of a habit of purging after I eat too much of a bad thing.  It started as very occasionally, but ballooned over time.  There have been a few days when I've done it more than once.  I don't think I'm bulimic, and I'm not trying to bs myself either.  Most of the time, I don't think of it as an option until after I've eaten and I feel uncomfortable, so it's not a planned thing.  But that's where it gets tricky.  Last week I noticed that I was starting to feel uncomfortable after eating anything that would be considered bad, even if it was in an appropriate portion size.  So I considered 'undo-ing' the eating.  A couple times I did, a couple times I didn't, but mostly I did.  I felt like my brain was trying to trick itself, which is a weird though in and of itself, really.  My point is that I need to stop, and I'm going to stop.  I wanted to last night and didn't.  I could have, but I kept making excuses that I would later until it was too late.  I don't want to be a 30 year old bulimic.  I don't want my kids to EVER see me doing that.  I don't want my kids to think that it is a normal or healthy behavior.  It's funny,  when a friend told me that she was hiding her smoking from her child, I disagreed.  Saying that if you feel so strongly that you don't want your kid to see you doing something, you probably shouldn't be doing it.  So either be honest with them that you smoke, or quit, but don't hide.  Guess it's time to take my own advice or become a hypocrite.  So no more, I'm done with that.  And if I gain, I gain, I'll just have to find a better way to control it.

And on that note, I am trying more and more to avoid processed foods.  It's not reasonable, at this stage anyway, to eliminate everything pre-made/processed.  I don't have time to make crackers.  So the things that I do buy, I will be more picky about, watching ingredients.  And avoiding things that use every possible opportunity to tell me how healthy they are.  Because, despite what they say on the packages, Poptarts (for example) will never be good for my body.  It doesn't matter how low-fat they make them or how many vitamins and nutrients they inject into the frosting, they will never be anything other than junk.  Ironically, I'm coming around to the notion that these 'improvements' actually make them worse.  And I'm really annoyed that I didn't come around to this sooner.

I've have come a long way though.  When Spencer was a baby, I remember being scared to give him applesauce that I had made because it didn't come from a jar.  I was worried that the stuff I made might actually make him sick, but thought the jarred baby food was the epitome of nutrition.  And when I realized how utterly absurd I was being, I stopped buying jarred baby food altogether and made all of his food at home.  That was 3 years ago.  My thoughts on food are so radically different now than they were then.  I never thought that Poptarts were good for me, but back then I looked at them simply as fattening, which didn't bother me all that much.  Now I look at them and see added chemicals, preservatives, dyes, trans fats, sugar (in probably 5 different variants).  And the low fat versions used to just look nasty, whereas now I actually get a little sick in my stomach thinking of what alternate food-like products they put in them to reduce the fat.  Poptarts are not unique in this, the same goes for so many products on the market from Little Debbies to Cheez-its to Velveeta to Corndogs to coffee creamer.  And that's just at the grocery store.  Let's not even get started on fast food.  The convenience foods at the gas station - oh my god, it just makes me sick to think about it.  I'm not so far into it that I'm only buying local free range brown eggs (yet), but I am trying to make more and more healthy choices.  And cooking more at home.  I'm not naive enough to commit to never ordering pizza again, or never eating at McD's.  As I said half a rant ago, there is a certain level of reality that I'm rolling with.  I did just break to put a loaf of homemade bread in the oven.  I would say it's my first, but technically it's my second.  My first was a casualty of not paying attention to how many cups of flour I put in.  It was pretty nasty.

So at this point in my diet, I am letting go of primarily worrying about how many calories a meal has.  I'm going to try to look at it from the standpoint of wholesome ingredients (whatever my current definition of wholesome is), well rounded foods and portion control.  Portion control is something that I can take with me.  Calorie control is not.  I believe that's why I've been stalled for so long.  The calorie thing worked in the beginning because it gave me something to focus on and that was great.  But unfortunately, it's damn near impossible to account for the actual number of calories we are consuming and burning.  At best, it's all estimates and at worst, complete bullshit.  Many restaurants are becoming better about having nutrition information available.  However, trying to look it up while I'm staring at a menu?  Or trying to decide earlier in the day what restaurant I'll be in the mood for and how many calories this dish has vs. that dish?  It's just too much.  Again, it worked in the beginning when it was fresh and interesting, but now it's just not.  And it's not sustainable.  I can't see myself doing all, or even any, of that a year from now any more than I can see me doing it today.  I want to be thin and healthy, but straight up calorie counting is not a realistic long term maintenance method for me.  So at this point I'm turning to portion control.  Good foods in smaller portions.  This is something I can do everywhere, every time I put food in my mouth.  Brownies at playgroup?  Have half of one and stop.  Dinner out (again)?  Ask for a lunch portion or box up half and 'forget' it at the table. 

And also re-designing how I look at my plate.  I want to start thinking of meat the way I used to think of veggies - as the smallest portion.  If every plate I eat on were a molded plastic disposable plate (something else I'm trying to reduce using ;o), that big section should be veggies and the two smaller sections the meat and starch.  Also, trying to incorporate fruit in as more than breakfast and snacks, though honestly that's working pretty well for me lately.  And finally getting some veggies into lunch, where they are typically ignored in favor of high proteins (turkey and cheese sandwich with cottage cheese) and maybe even breakfast.  Of course, with all of this I need to be mindful of calories.  I'm not just ignoring them.  Having a scrambled egg with green pepper and .5 ounce of cheddar and 4 oz of fresh squeezed orange juice for breakfast is good portion control, but likely still more calories than cereal with 4 oz of milk.  So I will still log my food whenever I can, striving for every day.  The point is that my focus will be on portions, especially when I have less (or no) control over the other variables.  I'm not going to just try to maintain for a week because our schedules are so crazy.  Portions are something that I can focus on and still live life however it comes at me.

So, to sum up, these are my revised diet goals:
  1. Focus on smaller portions.  Especially when healthy choices are not possible, reasonable, or desired.
  2. Don't worry so much about counting every calorie, but be mindful of higher caloric foods.
  3. Avoid low-fat/low cal processed food variants and processed food in general.
  4. Larger portions of veggies and incorporate them into lunch and breakfast.
  5. Avoid products that have to convince me that they are good for me. 
  6. Try to make more foods from scratch, but take it slowly.
I think I'll be back to refine these, but I'm done for tonight.