I’m so tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one who gives a shit about the state of my marriage. I’m tired of feeling like this is the beginning of the end for us. I don’t want that. I feel like I can see is coming as plain as day and I’m powerless to stop it. Nothing I do or say seems to sink in with him. I’ve tried ignoring it, talking about it, sulking about it (though that wasn’t so much intentional), getting mad, I don’t even know what else. Nothing works. He is determined to constantly paint me as the bad guy whenever I ask him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. He was sick all weekend. I tried to be supportive. I took care of Spencer, made food, basically went about my daily routine as if he wasn’t there and not ask him to do anything. On Sunday night, I asked to finish (not start, he did that of his own accord) his laundry relatively early on Monday so I could do a load or two before going out Monday night, he said okay. Late Monday afternoon, when I had to ask again, he reacted like I had asked him to – I don’t even know what. He put his last load in the dryer and told me in an aggrevated voice that he’d pull his sweaters out after an hour so that I could put my stuff in the washer, even though they wouldn’t be dry. Then, an hour and 40 minutes later, I took the few clothes I need dry to wear and threw them into the dryer with his sweaters which were still in there. At which point he flew into spaz-mode and got his stuff out of the dryer, laying it across chairs so it could air dry the rest of the way, and started picking up all of Spencer’s toys that were strewn around. All with the usual air of drama that says “I’m not happy about doing this.” Add to that the “I’m sorry I’m sick” line spit out at me that comes off as “I’m sick and shouldn’t be expected to do anything, and what I’m really sorry about is that you are nagging me constantly.” All I asked him to do was finish his laundry so I could do some.

He says “if you could only hear how you sound,” which doesn’t make sense to me because I put real effort into setting my tone of voice before I speak. I tell him that he hears it however he wants to regardless and he just blows me off. Why do I bother to take his complaints about me into consideration and try to be better and he just blows off my complaints as unfounded and ridiculous?????????

I told him last week that there is an inconsistentcy in his level of involvement around the house. One day, he is super dad/hubby taking care of me and Spencer and happy to do it. The next day he’s tired/not feeling good/whatever and expecting him to do even the simplest thing, like wash off his own plate is too much to ask. And, god forbid, I do ask we end up with Mike in spaz-mode, as described previously, and me being accused of being bitchy – “If you could only hear how you sound.” GRRRR!!!! Anyway, he said that he appreciated me thinking on the problem and telling him and that he would think about it too. At the time, I felt hopeful, like maybe he will take some of the responsibility instead of just blaming everything on me and making excuses, but now, 4 days later, I’m just sitting here crying realizing that it was probably just lip service.

I’m so tired of being his scapegoat. I’m tired of his assertations that I’m constantly being bitchy and/or sarcastic. I’m tired of dealing with his attitude whenever I ask him to do anything. I’m tired of “I’m tired/stressed/don’t feel good/whatever” being (in his eyes) a legitimate excuse for everything. I’ve asked him (and even left a note for him) several times to fill the coffee pot with lots of water so there is enough for me to have a second cup. He does for a few weeks and then it tapers off. I let it go for a few days, then I have to say something, and I get “oh, I was out of it this morning,” said with an “Stop nagging me, I was tired, therefore I only have to be accountable for what I feel like being accountable for and your second cup of coffee is not on that list. I did the absolute bare minimum by making coffee at all, isn’t that enough for you???”

I don’t think I’m done with this, but Spencer’s up, so I’ll have to finish later…