Things are okay here. Last weekend kinda sucked, we'll see how this one goes. I've never in my life dreaded weekends the way I do now.

Last weekend, M was "sick". He had a cold. I understand a cold sucks, I had one earlier this winter and have had many in my lifetime. I understand that he was trying to keep his distance and not pass along germs to Spencer or me. I get those things. I really do. So he spent Thursday night, all day Friday, and all day Saturday in bed. Fine. Whatever. Of course, he came out long enough to smoke and eat whatever meal I'd prepared. He played games and watched movies that entire time. Again, fine, whatever. Sunday, he's feeling better. Hooray. At this point I've been pretty much on my own with S for three days straight. My hips were hurting and I was just plain tired. Mike had slept in for three days straight. He had the brilliant idea to take a DayQuil. Why didn't he just take on on Friday and Sat? Probably because what he really needed was a break and being sick is the easiest way to get one. This is the third of fourth illness he's had this winter - all of which have been just colds, not vomitting, no fever, just a runny nose, cough and headache, but I digress... So around mid-day he announces he'll be heading out to run some errands. What a jackass!! But, I didn't argue, it's not worth it, all he would hear is me bitching and not really hear (or comprehend) what I was saying. He ended up just going to get some lunch, which he didn't even get, he said he decided he didn't really want it and turned around to come home - trying REALLY hard not to smell something fishy there. Later in the day around 5 he was playing with S and me in S's room. This was about an hour before baby einstein, bath and bedtime. I said, I'm really tired, can you watch him and bath him and put him to bed, so I can relax for awhile. He says sure and I go to sit and surf the net. Within 5 minutes S is bored with playing with daddy's keys (shocking really!!) and heads out to the living room. M comes out, and decides that what S really wants is to watch daddy play a video game. WTF????? So, again shockingly, S doesn't really want to watch daddy play a video game, so daddy puts the game down. A little while later, the scene repeats itself, but this time S sits for slightly longer and M gets pulled into his game. S gets wiggly and M puts him down and continues to play his game. S goes to his piano and is banging on it only to have it fall over and take S along with it. No big deal, but I'm sitting right there and I can hear S getting frustrated. So can M, but he's into his game. I'm starting to get really pissed off. M has had ALL DAMN WEEKEND to do nothing but sit around and play his damn games, while I take care of everything that HAS to be done - like, um, taking care of our son. Not that I mind because I don't see S as a constant PITA like M does, but still I'm 31 weeks pregnant, and TIRED!!! So I get up and tend to S, gettting his piano uprighted, etc. Of course, then M finishes that section of the game and gets up. I said, "Forget it, I'll give him bath and everything". To which M replied, "I was just finishing up that race, it's done now". I said, "You've had all weekend to play you games, I asked you to play with him for ONE HOUR!" One hour! That's all. I was supportive of him being sick the whole weekend. Even told him to "stay away" so he wouldn't get us sick, giving him permission basically to ignore us for 2.5 days. I asked for ONE HOUR in return and he lasted about 20 minutes before he was back at the video games and "keeping an eye" on S instead of TAKING CARE of him. When is M going to grow up???????????????

Anyway, M isn't sick this weekend, but do you think he'll offer to let me sleep in both days? I highly doubt it. In fact, it will probably be like usual, where I have to make him get up on my day to sleep in. "Do you want me to get up with him?" Which, as we've discussed many times, I hear "I will if you make me". Then M will be in to wake me and ask what to give him for breakfast, or what time naptime is, or get the dogs - why he doesn't take them and feed them first thing, I'll never understand.

Or worse, he'll notice what a mess the house is and spend 20 spazoid minutes "cleaning", implying with his body language that he shouldn't have to waste HIS time doing this, even while he says "I know it's not just your responsibility". Yeah, and a 7 minute vacuum job is really cleaning, whatever.

Or he'll sit in the living room, pretending to be part of the family, but always have his computer open and playing one game or another or watching some TV show and (again with body language) letting everyone know how annoyed he is everytime he has to pause for S or myself of the dogs, even as he is saying, "You guys are more important than ____" Again, actions speak louder than words.

It may seem like I'm being very negative here, but I'm actually trying to be the opposite. Every weekend I go in like it's a clean slate and won't be like, well, all the previous ones and I get so disappointed and so frustrated that we end up in a snit with each other by Sunday night and we are both looking forward to him going to work on Monday. So this time, I'm reminding myself of what might/probably will happen so I'm not so disappointed, and am able to handle it better.

Maybe I can just cry today and get it over with. I really didn't think us having kids would be like this... I thought we'd be parents together, and I often feel like I'm the only parent and M is a surly teenager whom I have to constantly force to do his chores. I HATE that M sees S as a chore, but a lot of the time, he really does.

We were on the Wii's everybody votes channel a couple of weeks ago and the question was, "How do you see you life over the next two years?" With responses of a) same/worse off or b)better off. I said "better off", which I really believe. S and R are going to be growing like weeds and I'm so excited to teach them and learn with them, etc. M, not surprisingly in hindsight (always 20/20), said "same/worse". It broke my heart in a way that nothing ever has. I feel heartbroken for S and R who having done nothing to deserve it, will be resented by their dad (who WANTED THEM, they weren't accidents) for taking him away from more important things - like whatever new video game is out. It's true that nothing anyone can ever do to you will hurt as badly as if they do it your kids. And poor little R hasn't even been born yet. He already sees her as a PITA, more than anything else. I wanted sooooo much more for my kids that that. And the idea that M will get better as the kids get older, well I don't know how long I can hold onto that hope. Judging by the story above, it hasn't gotten better yet. Only better in the sense that M can ignore S for a few minutes (and theoretically that few minutes will get longer and longer) while M plays his game, not in the sense that M will ever really want to be a dad.