I'm done. I'm done. I can't go on like this. I'm making myself crazy. He is either autistic or not. Its not something that is "caused". He's learning quick and doing great. He has fun playing with other kids, blah, blah, blah. I asked Mike to fill out the mchat and that other eval and send it to the doctor. I'm putting the stuff that I have away. Since I've started looking at that, I've been crazy again. We went to the doctor's appt thinking that we'd be surprised if she even said there was much concern and since then I've completely gone off the deep end again. So I'm done. I'm going to teach him everything I can, but not because I think I can fight off autism, but because I'm his my mom and I love him and I want to teach him everything. This has been my wake up call and I'm awake, but it's time for me to stop day-nightmaring and live.

Keep in mind: (for when I have trouble)

• doctor wanted to see us for a check up in six months, not six weeks, or even three months
• we all went through a rough few months, and he did regress a little, but he's catching up great
• there's more, I'm just too relaxed to think about it...

Enough! Enough! Enough!!

He had a great day today, btw! We had pics taken and he was a total brat, but in a completely normal way. I guess that's one good thing that's come out fo this. Whenever he acts like a normal almost 2 year old, throwing tantrums and just being difficult, I'm happy. Most moms are rolling their eyes and I'm smiling.

These last seven weeks have been by far the hardest of my life. I can't keep going like this. Mike says I've become obsessed with that stupid mchat - if I can just check everything off, he'll be safe, kinda thing. Well he'll never be safe. There will always be somehting. So I'm putting it away for good. I did it with the initial eval, and I can do it with this.

Oh, he said "uh-oh" yesterday. Of course, not the correct sounds, but the context ws correct. He said bye-bye tonight. And he's warming to my dad and John. He still wants me close, but we are in a strange home and daddy's not here. He was excited to hear Mike's voice today. Okay, I'm done.