Got a lot today. Let's start with yesterday afternoon at therapy. There's a bond between Spencer and I that is like nothing I've ever experienced. Maybe it's normal for a mother and son, maybe it's normal for a mother and child, I don't know. I know that I don't have this kind of bond with my parents, not now, not ever. Yesterday at therapy, I left the room, I said that already. There are little rooms and then there's one really big open warehouse type room with a massive jungle gym, a trampoline, and probably 20 other 'big' toys used for different kinds of therapies. Jen took Spencer into the big room to roll cars down the slide and practice saying beep-beep. One of the little room butts up to this big room and they've installed one-way mirrored windows so that parents can observe without distracting their kids. I was in this room with a direct view of Spencer. At one point while playing with Miss Jen, he stopped looked scanned the room briefly and then looked directly at me through the mirrored glass for about 5 seconds. I have no doubt that he knew exactly where I was. It's a bond, I can't explain it.

Moving on... Last night, Mike had therapy and wasn't home in time to help put the kids to bed. Spencer and Mike's relationship is not what I would like it to be. Often Spencer is downright indifferent to Mike's presence. That's probably due in part to the fact that Mike is always distracted when he is with Spencer. He's always on the computer or doing one thing or another. In fact, one night I was playing cars with Spencer and Mike was sitting right next to us. I told Spencer to give daddy one of his cars so that we could teach daddy how to play cars with us. Mike looked indignant and said he had invented playing with cars. My reply, well, how would we know that, because you never play with us. Anyway, to my point. I didn't really expect Spencer to give a shit, quite frankly, that daddy wasn't around for bedtime. He goes to sleep just fine when the in-laws put him down and neither of us are here, so I didn't think this would be any different. As I'm singing our song and holding him he wants down and immediately starts searching rooms, very obviously looking for daddy. OMG, my heart melted. So I told him that daddy would be home soon, but it was bedtime now. I said if he was still awake when daddy arrived I would have him come in and say goodnight. That little stinker kept himself away until Mike arrived and said goodnight. I know it was intentional because we did not hear another peep out of him after Mike left the room.

Onto today. Had playgroup this morning. It went well. Spencer was interacting and playing with the other kids and all the kids had a great time. It was nice for us mom's to get to talk too. The playroom works very well for that purpose.

Today Spencer:

• twice took my hand and led me into the playroom with him so that we could play together.
  
• said hi to himself in the mirror.
  
• pointed out a fire truck in a book when I asked him to.
  
• pointed out a baby in a book several times (different babies) when I asked him to.
  
• pointed to things in a book on his own/
  
• used his little touch leap pad book correctly, by pushing the button for the page and then pushing at things on the page.
  
• pointed to indicate things he wanted many times, both tv and food.
  
• successfully conveyed to me that his mouth was hurting by pointing to it when I asked him was his mouth hurting.
  
• went and picked up cars when I told him to without me having to point to each individual car.
  
• sat in my lap while I read a book to him without bulking.
  
• colored with markers.
  
• passed cars back and forth repeatedly.
  
• tried to get Monkey to drink his juice.
  
• put a pea in my mouth when I said I was hungry.
  
• pretend gave several animals a drink when I said they were thirsty.

Oh and last night, he made it about an hour before he got up and moved away from the tv. He even cleaned up the playroom with me while it was still playing.

I do feel guilty that I dedicate so much time writing about Spencer and not nearly as much writing about Rachel. She's just not doing as much though. I do love her just as much and I spend lots of time with her during the day as well.

So she can sit up now. She'd prefer to be standing, she likes to have her waist straight. I think that's gas though, she's always farting. She's sat up for as long as 30 seconds at a time before falling over. She's really getting great control over her arms. I call her 'grabby girl' all day long. Anything within reach and she's got to have it. Any direction, doesn't matter, she can go right and left, not just straight. And she's rolling like crazy. She's pushing up on her hands already and on her toes too, so it looks like she's doing a little mini-pushup. Her poops are all back to normal, thank goodness. She like Spencer's cars. She's eating pears now and loving them. So far the only thing she hasn't loved was peas. She was just so-so on the peaches too. And she loved banana, but she's not getting any more lol. She's up for about an hour and a half at a time then back to sleep. I've given up on a schedule for her. She likes to be in the Snugli. In fact, there was another mom at the grocery store today who had her 4 month old in the car seat and the baby was crying. She commented that I seemed to be having a much easier time and asked where I'd gotten the Snugli. Where else? Target.

Mike's good. He's trying to joke and kid around a lot but for some reason it just feels forced to me. Maybe it's part of his therapy, and he's trying to 'fake it till you make it' or something. I'm sure it's me, I'm still having trouble with the whole dating website thing. Trying to get over it and just trust him, but he did lie to me before and that makes it harder. As I said when all that was going down, why do I have to deal with all these emotions when he's the one who fucked up? I didn't do anything wrong, but I'm the one who has to cope. Enough with that. I have my first therapy appt next Thursday night. He said last night that when he mentioned to the therapist that I'd be coming in, she commented that eventually it would be the two of us together coming in. Marriage counseling. When he asked why that bothered me, I told him that if they'd been talking about us and she alluded to marriage counseling, then the talk about us was not positive. He didn't answer which we both knew was a confirmation of my theory. He actually said something sexual on the phone today and it was such a shock I was completely caught off guard. He said it so casually though, that it makes me think that he makes these comments all the time, just not to me. Maybe he just makes them in his head.

Another thing that hit me today was why it bothered me so much that he said he'd be amused if I signed up for a dating website. Why would that be 'amusing'? Shouldn't he care just a little bit??? Or does he think I'm such a fat, ugly, piece of shit that no one would want me? Amusing in the sense that he's laughing at my futility. Or does he just not care if I find someone else to fuck? He should be at least a little bothered by the thought of me looking for someone else... Not that I am. Even if I was the kind to cheat, I don't have the goddamned time. Maybe he's screwing the neighbor. She works near him. He's always very tight lipped whenever I mention her. And when I told her on Halloween that I had something to talk to her about, she was absolutely terrified. When we stopped by for candy, I said that I'd be back shortly to talk to her. She was waiting at the door for me. I could seriously sense the fear and anxiety on her, I could almost see her heart pounding in her chest. And she was totally relieved when I started talking about the grass. She was way overboard on the 'don't worry about it'. And now that I think about it, Mike was really gung ho on me being the one to mention it to them, and he was not around when I went over to talk to her. What can I do about this? Not a god damned thing. I sure as fuck can't ask Mike. He'd lie even if it was true. I'm not going to stalk him during his lunch hour. And I'm not going to go through his emails, because he wouldn't be stupid enough to use an email address that I know about. He'd have xxx@yahoo or something to that effect and I'd never know about it. He'd also be smart and keep his computer within a few feet of him at all times, so that I could never have the opportunity to look at it. Oh wait, that's what he does. So anyway, that's why I'm having trouble joking and being light with him right now. Maybe he deserves it, maybe he doesn't. But it would be alot easier to ignore all this shit if he'd never lied to me about smoking.