Half way through the day. I guess that's good. Woke up with puffy eyes and a roaring headache. Nothing some ibuprofen couldn't fix. Lucy called and apologized in tears for whatever happened yesterday. I got scared because she kept saying life is too short, so I called Mike immediately so he could call and check on her. He said she's fine, but he decided to take some time off work and head down there to spend some time with her. As he said, she's got to be lonely.

I took the kids to the Y. They both did great in the childwatch. I got to watch Spencer for about 5 minutes before he saw me when it was time to leave. He was playing with cars. Couldn't seem to find a toy that he liked though. He kept rotating between three different garages. He made eye contact with the other kids, etc. He did ignore the lady once when she tried to get him to give back a car he took from a little girl. Rachel did great, they said she was on the play mat the whole time and happy. I got 25 minutes on the treadmill. When we left I told Spencer to go put the cars he had away, and he did.

As we were leaving, he pointed to a cookie at the coffee place and I said cookie, and he said cookie back. Cool. I don't know if I wrote about me trying to get him to say 'in' at the playroom entrance, but he wouldn't the last two mornings when I've tried. Just cried and bulked, etc. This morning though, he walked right up the gate and said 'in' and waited for me to open it. I also think the arm flapping might be him saying 'yes' because he was doing it this morning when yes would have been an appropriate response to me and I've never seen him move his head up and down. And for the last few days I've been trying to get him to nod his head, since he's not ready to say yes or no yet. As usual, only time will tell.

Off to the grocery to do the Thanksgiving shopping today. And it's Friday, so Mike will be home all weekend. I'm going to try really hard to not get mad at him this weekend. He really is a great guy and it's really not his fault I'm so fucked up.

At the therapist last night, we were talking about what I perceive as trust issues and I told her about the lying about smoking and the recent website incident. She made sure to tell me that she couldn't discuss things that are said between him and her, etc, but she could tell me that he loves me very much. I started crying harder and I told her that I was worried when Dr. Joe recommended we see the same counselor that I would be trying to read things into what she says, like did he tell her that he was (or was considering) cheating. And that I could feel myself doing it right then, so I couldn't look at her. She, of course, couldn't say anything other than 'think the best', which I took to mean that he really is the great guy that I think he is. The odd thing is that hearing her say (without saying it) didn't matter. I already knew. I would feel even worse about myself if I had to hear from a third party that my husband was faithful in order to believe him, but I didn't need to hear it from her, it wasn't like a warm blanket that made me feel all cozy, it really didn't change anything because I realized that I do trust him and I do believe in our relationship. That's a good thing, I'm pretty sure.

Still thinking about my goals.
1. Something regarding being a good mom and accepting my life however it turns out. Sadly, most of my fears of his potential for autism are incredibly selfish.

2. Something regarding having self-worth, or self-esteem, and believing that I'm good enough to deserve the love of a good man.

And I'm crying again. Will these tears ever dry up??? God forbid, I should ever have any real problems, I'd barely be able to get out of bed.

I'm going to go take a long hot shower and try to pull my shit together. Again.