What a day! On the Spencer front: I got him saying hi this morning in the hopes that he would say hi to Miss Jen. He did. He also said hi spontaneously several times after that. To me, then Mike, then me again this evening. He said up many, many times, but he also said dd-d-d for down when he wanted down. He used signs for hungry and milk, nothing new but it was pulling teeth yesterday and easy today. He was excited when Tom and Lucy arrived. When he and I were in his room this morning he was looking out the window and I ducked into the closet and shut the door quietly. He turned around and realized I was gone. Before he went looking for me, though, he went to the trash can and threw away the piece of plastic he had found (it was trash). Then he went around the house looking for me and giggling as I called to him. When we were at therapy, Miss Jen put him on a swing and he looked at me to see how he should react. He whined a bunch today, but less than yesterday, and he looked at me as he started a 'no tv' tantrum, saw that I didn't care if he was willing to bang his head and stopped. He ate more at dinner and seemed to understand 'eat now, car later'. He was flapping his hands and didn't want Rachel to touch him, though. He was a pointing maniac again though. Successfully communicated that he did not want cheerios and did want puffs. I put more puffs on the grocery list :oP.

Tom and Lucy were here. Lucy drove me nuts. She just seems to tap into my fears and say them out loud every chance she gets, which is often. "oh, he's just ignoring you, you might as well not be speaking". Thanks Lucy. "It's just all to much for him right now." Thanks Lucy. "It's so nice that Rachel finally recognizes my voice." Shut up Lucy. I finally told her to please stop and she left in a huff. But she just NEVER shuts up. And she talks over me, repeating what I'm saying. And she's usually WRONG!

I went to my first counseling session. It was interesting to say the least. I cried pretty much the whole time, though I tried hard not to. I came home sobbing. I think Mike expected me to walk in the door all happy-go-lucky like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Not so much. I have to come up with two goals that I'd like therapy to accomplish by next week. She'd like to see my once a week for awhile and she'd like me to see the group psychiatrist about possible meds. She said what I'm taking might not be the most effective course of treatment. She also said it might, she just didn't know. We talked about Spencer and Barb and Mike and my trust issues and how bored I am. She said that it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. I seriously don't know if I can handle that, but I guess I don't have a choice. I don't know if I can handle feeling like this any longer either. Poor Mike having to put up with me. Hopefully things will get better for him to.

I really don't know what my goals should be. She pointed out two clear issues. Spencer and trust/childhood pain. So I assume that I should have one goal for each. For Spencer: how about 'stop worrying about autism', and for trust 'feel like I am worthy of the type of love that doesn't involve lying or cheating'. Yeah, gonna have to refine those. Well I've got a week. And, hey, it gives me something to think about.