He lied to me. He did give me reason not to trust him. I fought with myself for a long to time to learn to trust him. He's never given me reason to not trust him, I told myself. He's not Barb, he's not your dad, he's not a bad guy. You've finally found someone who won't hurt you to get what they want, don't lose him because you can't give him the benefit of the doubt. It took a long, long time for me to get there. A year ago, I wouldn't question his loyalty, his faithfulness.. Now I am questioning it. I don't necessarily think something is going on, I just think there is possible reason for concern. I think it's progress that I'm not automatically thinking there is, but he wouldn't see it that way. He just says I don't trust him. Well, no I don't, not completely. Because now he has given me reason not to. The lies just rolled off his tongue over something so stupid. Something not worth jeopordizing our relationship over. Or maybe it was to him. Maybe he doesn't care that he's hurt me so deeply and carelessly. Because he didn't want to admit that he was smoking at work. That things were really stressful and he'd caved to the need for a few moments of relief. I wouldn't have been happy, but I'd have understood. Instead he chose to lie to me. And did a thousand times more damage to our relationship than admitting he'd had a couple of smokes would have. Now, I notice that he doesn't move more than a few feet from his computer, EVER. I notice that when I find out he's signed up for a dating website (regardless of the fact that it does actually seem pretty innocent) that he turns it around on me IMMEDIATELY. I do notice that he brings it up again a few days later and acts EXACTLY like he did when he was lying to me about smoking. I do notice that he has no desire for me at all. That he never says more than 'you look fine' no matter what I'm wearing. I do notice that he leaves me completely in charge of the house and kids, like he is little more than a guest. I notice that he could probably pack up everything of his in less than a half hour, if you ignore some of the nostalgia crap in the basement. I notice that when he's here, he's not really here. He goes along with whatever I want to do, but never comes up with anything on his own that he wants to do with either me or the family unit. I notice that it's always 'me and the kids' and 'Mike'. They are part of me and he's separate. I notice that when I go to the grocery on a Saturday afternoon, if I don't ask him to keep one of the kids, he usually doesn't offer. And on the occasion when he does offer, it's clearly a token offer. He'll do it, but like most things, he's really asking so he can have a clean conscience when I end up still taking both kids with me. I notice that it doesn't really feel like we're a family, he's just willing to watch the kids or tag along when I need him to. I remember when I called him on his lunch hour and he answered from the car bluetooth, and got me off the phone as quickly as possible, it was weird and forced, like there was someone else in the car and I might hear them talking. A year ago, I would have brushed that off as nothing, but now I remember it, and it was months ago, but I can't let it go. He gave me reason not to trust him. I wasn't looking for it. I sure as hell didn't want it. But now it's there and I can't ignore these things the way I used to be able to. I find myself asking him if he's smoked recently, not because I want to know, but because I want to know if I believe him or not. I know that all of this is hurting my marriage, but I don't know what to do about it. I just want everything to be okay again. I feel like I'm sinking again. Why can't I pull myself out of this. If it's not one thing it's another. I know that that in itself should tell me the problem is all me. What's the old saying though, 'Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean they're not following me.' That's how I feel most of the time. Just because I'm fucked up, doesn't mean that shit isn't necessarily happening. And me having issues is a really nice excuse to cover something up, isn't it. Like "you don't trust me because you have trust issues." Well yeah, but that doesn't mean you can lie to me and just blame it on my issues. You lied, you bastard. It was over something stupid, and you didn't have the balls to just admit you'd had a smoke. Fuck you.