Okay, I should be long since done with this blog post by now. Unfortunately though, I made the mistake of asking Mike to do this dishes, which he did. What I really meant was clean up the kitchen which he didn't. So thanks, hon, for taking 4 whole minutes of work off my hands. You know what I meant, jackass!!! Let's not forget that I cleaned the house today and will cook my ass off tomorrow for you family, and you've yet to offer to lift a finger. Yeah, I know that your mother will happily pay for us to go out, but I want a turkey and apparently the only way to get it is to make it myself and have your whole family over.

Anyway... Today was a better day. (Which reminds me of a post from way back when I was childless and teaching and my principal had a new catchphrase: Make today a better day. - or something like that). Anyway, again... The doc last night told me that I have to work on switching off my mind (not burying, she made sure to make the distinction) when I start to get all panicky. It doesn't help. It won't change anything. The only possible outcome is that Spencer has a basket case instead of a mommy for a minute, hour, day, week, etc. So I'm trying. I'm trying hard. Just letting it go. So far, so good. She also told me that from what I've told her, he doesn't sound autistic (see me type that word without beating around the bush - that's really hard for me, but I'm not tearing up right now (yet) so that's progress). That was so what I needed to hear. Not like last week with her "think the best" comment that I realized I didn't need to hear. This I did need to hear.

She also kinda brought things full circle with the trust thing. I just can't trust that Spencer is okay. I could take it further that I can't trust that he's not going to hurt me by not being okay. Not that it would be his fault in any way - it would be mine. I would blame myself one way or another. Just like I think deep down that I'm not worthy of Mike's love and that's why he'll hurt me. It's all the same at the very core. How pathetically simple. My psyche isn't even interesting lol.

We talked about Mike. He's living in the moment, constantly in survival mode. I'm living in the future, constantly in what-I-do-now-will-have-great-affect-on-the-future mode. We are obviously not in tune there. And we are not empathetic to each others needs. Not that we don't try, but we just don't understand what the other is feeling. He's not communicating enough, and I'm communicating too much. Which pretty much sums up every other marriage in history. Again, nothing is interesting. When did I become such a god damned cliche?

My mom was here today. I'm going to try not to write a report of how Spencer reacted because, again, doesn't get me anywhere, except obsessing over every little detail of how he acted. Cute to note though was that when he woke from his nap and had lunch he started saying bye-bye like every couple of minutes. We finally realized that usually when she's there we go to speech therapy in the afternoon, so that's probably what he expected. Mike was home and I told Spencer when he woke that daddy was in our room, he went right there looking for daddy. He said more and more that sounded like words. In fact, most of what he says now sounds like something. He came up next to me as I was folding laundry and said c-c-c-c-aaaaaar, and though it was car, I didn't see a car so I said 'clothes?'. Then I realized that one of his Lightening McQueen t's was on the top of the pile and he wanted it. So we are getting there...

My mom also told me today that I didn't talk until after I was 2. Information that would have been good to know a long time ago. She said she told me before and she probably did and I forgot. I won't forget now though.

Well tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I've got a plan though. We own 2 aprons. One for me and one for Mike. The rule will be: No apron, no admittance to the kitchen. I will stay in the kitchen and thus avoid everyone. Oh yeah!!!

I'm off to find some turkey recipes for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Then I'm going to watch a chick flic and try to knit a sweater (not the whole sweater tonight though).