Been in a funk lately.  I think I was a little sporadic with my pills again, being so busy it was easy to forget a day here and there.  So for the last week, I've been feeling off and yesterday I was downright panicky all day.  I can feel it in my chest, a physical reaction, just this ball of anxiety, panic and fear eating away at my attempts to keep a smile on my face.

Spencer has been defiant and devious, which is cute, but also exasperating.  Which hasn't helped.  Yesterday he got kicked by a girl on a  swing.  Hopefully he will finally have learned not to walk in front of them.  He kept running off at the playground, so I had to leave Rachel sitting there while I went after him.  I hate that she is so used to this.  His language is still improving.  Words are more clear, more varied, and statements are more complex each day.

Rachel is still not walking and has seemingly lost all desire to do so.  I was watching video of Spencer at the same age last night and he was soooo much more physical than she is at the same age.  She is more verbal though.  She probably uses 15-20 words, though I haven't actually counted.

I've been thinking of Nadya and the kids, and Michel too, a lot also.  Just the tragedy of it and senseless loss of life.  Enough on that.

AF has been absolutely awful since I had Rachel, it seems like each month is more unpredictable and uncontrollable than the last.  At some point every month things get so heavy that a pad and tampon are not enough.  This happens quickly, like liquid just pouring out of me.  I wore both things all week and still had an accident in public.  And there is no predicting when it will be except that it usually happens mid-morning - right when we are arriving at a playdate/park/whatever.  I can't just stay home the whole week waiting for it.  Grr!!  It's just awful.

So anyway, I've been in a funk.  Hopefully I can pull out of it soon.  I haven't been online like I usually am.  Barely even checking bbc and then not posting when I do.  Just don't feel like talking to anyone.  I talked to Mike last night and it was nice, though.  Sometimes it seems like a week will pass when we don't even touch each other.  No hugs, kisses, pats on the back, nothing.  We used to hug every time we saw each other.  I miss that.  It's my fault though, as is so much else these days, because for so long we were in a slump and I really didn't initiate it like I used to.  So the habit changed from doing it to not, and here we are.

Anyway, I wanted to post because this is one more thing I've been neglecting and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let this slide for weeks/months/years at a time like I have in the past.  

Hopefully I'll post again soon with happier overtones lol.  Right now I'm just barely holding back tears.