I don't like this version of myself much. I can tell a pretty massive difference from dropping down a dosage on my anti-depressants. On the inside, I am pretty much a worst case scenario of myself. Nothing seems worth smiling for, with the possible exception of being mean to other people. I feel petty and vindictive and I want to act on those feelings. I find myself looking for reasons to not trust my husband, even though he gives me none. I just want to be left alone all the time, a simple request for some milk from one of the kids has me raging.
Luckily, all this is on the inside. On the outside, I'm not exactly 'chipper', but I'm not acting on the angry impulses. For the most part. I did post a pretty snippy comment on my SIL's Facebook post. I was rude and wrong, and she didn't respond but she did block me from seeing anything on her page. And all I can do is laugh, because I really think it's funny that I pissed her off and that's she such a pathetic pampered princess. I just keep thinking of her and her family gossiping about what a bitch I am and it doesn't bother me at all. In fact, it pleases me.
This is the girl I remember from before the medication. This the girl I don't like.
I'm committed to keep going though. I want to see this through. Maybe when I'm totally off it will be different. Maybe it's just this particular dosage that is bad for me. Or maybe I won't have any impulse control and I'll just be a raging bitch that alienates everyone around me just for fun. Better start saving for my kids' therapy.
In the meantime, I am sticking with my self care plan, even though I really, really, really want to tear it up and burn it.
Where is that list of things my psychologist told me to recite when this time came?
This will pass.
I have family and friends who love me. (haha! but for how long? haha!)
blah, blah, mother fucking blah! Roflmao!