I’m so done. I’m done dealing with M and his poor me attitude. Poor M, his life is just so awful. He can’t watch TV because he has to watch his son while I do something else. He can’t play a game because Spencer is awake. He can’t use his computer because he accidentally spilled coffee on it. Sorry ‘bout your luck. It must really suck to be you… He whined yesterday more than Spencer did, ironically telling Spencer that this was a “no whining zone” while he was whining himself. I enable him, which is my fault, but I’m going to stop. I didn’t let him out of Spencer detail yesterday no matter how whiny and frustrated he got. I almost did a couple of times, but I held back and just walked away. I kept telling myself to act like he acts on a normal day. Just do my thing, within reason, and assume that Spencer was taken care of.

M was up and down all day long, but I kept reminding myself that he has to learn. It’s certainly not going to get easier when Rachel arrives. I can’t do it all by myself while he just lives in his little “I’m not happy” world.

After Friday night’s talk about smoking he was “in a bad place” (boo-hoo, whatever!) through Sunday evening when he told me that he had bought a pack of smokes. He wouldn’t normally have smoked over the weekend anyway, but because he wasn’t allowed to have one, he used it to justify acting like an asshole all weekend. Throwing temper-tantrums to rival a three year old about how messy the house is. When I was napping on Sunday he was trying to put his car back together and he kept honking the horn. He was actually trying to keep it from honking or something, because it wasn’t hooking up correctly. He came in and realized I was napping (he knew S was) and apologized with a degree of sincerity. I was honestly surprised; I had expected one of his whiny I’m sorries that (as I’ve explained before) means he’s really not. Then as he walked back out of the bedroom he said “I just can’t do anything right!” And my feeling of surprise was quickly replaced by the disappointment that I had expected to begin with. Poor Mike, poor Mike, no matter how hard he tries, he just can’t win. Whatever!!!!!!!

Anyway, I’m done. If he doesn’t want this family, which he shows repeatedly with his actions and many of his words (though not the ones he thinks about before speaking), then he can leave. I’m tired of coddling him, thinking that eventually he’ll grow up and be the father that Spencer and Rachel need and the PARTNER that I need. If he just wants to spend his time doing nothing more than what Mikey wants to do, then he can just send a child support check every week. I’ve considered leaving as a threat to get him to see what he’d be missing, but I honestly believe that it would backfire and he’d realize he really would prefer to be accountable to only his own desires. He seems to be constantly torn between what he “knows” is the “right” choice and what he would really prefer to do. He makes the “right” choice, of course, but just can’t seem to make himself okay with that. Hence the constant whining and poor-me attitude. I get it, I really do, but I’m just tired of caring and dealing with it. He doesn’t seem to realize that making the choice, but then being pissy/whiny/resentful of it, just makes things worse.

Do I say any of this to him? Nope, because I’m too terrified of what would happen if I did. I really do love him and I love the life that we’ve made together. I love S and I’m so excited about R, even though I know my workload with drastically increase. I can’t imagine life without M; I just wish he seemed to like OUR life for more than a couple of minutes a week. He’s not going to change, so I’m left to just hope that all of this is just pregnancy hormones and it will disappear at some undetermined point in the future. What if it doesn’t? I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there…