Well, I'm up early for no reason. I thought S was awake, but I guess he went back to sleep, so I'm just having my coffee. Things are going a little bit better here at home. I've been pretty much ignoring M's negative comments and not giving him anywhere to go with them. Last night he didn't seem to be in too bad of a mood, which is good. The night before he described his day as pretty bad even though nothing specifically bad happened. I didn't see him much last night. We had date night, but I suggested we go separately, so we did. I just couldn't handle the thought of yet another tense dinner where we just sat there with nothing to say or worse, started "talking". I guess he didn't sleep very well or much last night. He went to the couch because I was fidgeting, and this morning when I asked if I could do anything for him - a question I really didn't want to ask, but felt obligated too, I knew the answer would be of the poor me variety - he asked for a couple more hours sleep. Then he asked, jokingly but as usual on a down note, when our next vacation is. I think I replied that I could go for a few hours of comfortable painless sleep and, of course, a vacation too. Who knows any more if his droopy eyes are for real or just a ploy for attention? Today's conclusion: He needs to be the center of someone's world, and currently he's not. He's near the center of mine, but S and R are in the true middle. Today's real conclusion (and every other day's for that matter): He's severely depressed. Whatever meds he is taking aren't working for his chemical make-up or they are making him worse. I've started keeping track of his overall mood each day, so that after a month or so, I can take him real evidence that there's a problem. Or maybe he's okay with just being miserable all his life. Which is certainly his perogative. I, however, am not fine with that negativity constanty whipping through this house like a plague. I want my children to know their dad loves them, cherishes them, not sees them as roadblocks to doing what he wants, when he wants and being the center of attention himself. Oh well, Doodle butt is awake. Hopefully I'll look back at all of this someday and think, "Damn those prego hormones were bad!"

Really Quickly - I saw a post yesterday on teh Jan board that was from a mommy who had left her boyfriend. She said, I deserve to be loved for who I am, no who he wishes I was. Is that what I'm doing with M? Loving him for who I want him to be in this new family dynamic? Not accepting who he really is? Has he really changed at all? Is the problem that he hasn't really changed at all? Who comes first with him, himself or S? Of course, he would say S, because he knows that what should be, and that 's true in the grand scheme of things, but what about in the moment-to-moment pieces of life? Who comes first? Am I being realistic expecting him to put someone else first in the moment-to-moment pieces? He is who he is...