So it's been a week and a half and the diet/exercise plan is still going strong.  I still feel motivated and I see progress.  I'm trying not to be obsessive, so that I'm focusing on healthy and body image, not on calorie counting gimmicks that will ultimately get boring.  So the question is why?  Why this time an not others?  I'm a super analytical person, I always have to ask this question.  So I've been pondering it for the last week and a half and I think I've finally stumbled upon the answer.

The epiphany point has never been in question.  I knew it the moment it happened.  I knew that it meant something.  I didn't know what or how profoundly it would affect me, but I knew that it was a big deal.

When the kids and I were visiting my dad a couple weeks ago, we had put the kids to bed and were heading out the door to pick up chinese food for us for dinner.  The kids had eaten chicken nuggets with mac and cheese.  Spencer hadn't eaten his m/c and as my dad and I were walking out the door I took a large bite of it from his plate on the counter.  My dad looked at me and said, "we are going to go get dinner!".  He was half laughing and half questioning me.  Until he said it, I hadn't even realized I was eating.  There was food sitting there - good food, comfort food - so I ate it.  Without even knowing it.  I was embarrassed, but just laughed and went on with the evening.  I didn't eat much of my chinese food, though I did order my usual unhealthiest of menu items.  I was more aware of everything I ate that weekend, and embarrassed most of the time.  But being embarrassed while eating is something I'm pretty used to.

So a couple days after we'd been home I started thinking about weight watchers and made a half hearted commitment to the points system.  I started counting calories to convert to points and quickly decided that just counting calories would be easier.  And here I am.  Not finishing the kids food and not snacking with the kids has been eye opening.  I feel a little bit hungry a lot of the time, but not in an 'I'm starving' kind of way, just in an 'my stomach doesn't have to be stuffed all the time' sort of way.  I've been eating three meals and having a snack between if I want one.  I've stopped munching in the evening, and cut out all caloric drinks (just tea and water).  I also came to the conclusion that if I continue to put my nose up at so many foods, I am never going to lose weight.  So I've been eating at least one thing that I 'hate' each day.  Normal things for most people, like tomatoes, mushrooms, olives, zucchini, spinach, etc.  All those foods that add flavor without adding fat/calories.  I've got to embrace them or I'll never succeed.

So anyway, back to why.  Why does it feel different this time?  Why has it lasted more than two days this time?  I've been pondering and I think I've found it:  It's not worth it.  For a long time, I've been fighting the accept-who-I-am-and-enjoy-food-and-life vs. thin-feels-better battle.  And I've worked hard at accepting myself.  Really hard.  And for singular moments here and there I've actually succeeded.  But not overall.  But here's the thing:  when I was eating that mac/cheese, was I enjoying food and life?  The food was cold, didn't taste very good, was loaded with fat/cals/trans fat, and I didn't even know I was eating it.  So this is what I'm battling for???????  Totally not worth it.  The chicken nuggets I eat off of the kids leftover lunch dishes?  Not worth it.  The goldfish crackers?  Not worth it?  The whole half gallon of ice cream?  Not worth it.  A whole box of cheez-its?  Not worth it.  None of it is worth doing battle over.  None of it is worth the constant feeling of inferiority, fatness, and embarrassment that it causes.  And the ones that are worth the battle (i.e. cheese fries smothered in ranch dressing from Outback)?  If I cut out all the other crap, I can still have those in moderation.  Hence the battle becomes a truce.  Enjoy food and life AND be thin.

So that's the answer.  That's the same answer I came to last time.  That's why atkins worked way back then.  Because the foods I was giving up just weren't worth the negative feelings that they brought with them.  And that's the same conclusion that I had to come to this time to make it work.  I hope I can keep with it this time like last time.

I started hundredpushups.com and twohundredsitups.com last night.  I'm soooooo sore lol.